Stuck, Frozen, in Fear

Not the most appealing title for a blog post, I know. But I want to talk about an issue that has plagued me these past few years, more than I care to admit. 

Three years ago, in March, my mother left earth for a new heavenly home. A great reason for celebration. At least that's what my 'head' said. I mean it's true. When we belong to Christ we have an eternal destination that will surpass our greatest imaginings. The Bible tells us so. 

Unfortunately, my heart wasn't in agreement with my head. My mom was my best friend. The last ten years of her life, she lived with me. As a single mom, she played a huge role in helping raise my two children, who are now almost 20 and 26. She was an incredible woman who gave far more than she ever received and never complained. I'm sure she received all the rewards she could ever want in the presence of our Savior. 

Regardless of her heavenly happiness, I spiraled into a realm of depression, anxiety, and ultimately fear that froze me in place. I'd spent years speaking regularly at women's events and retreats, writing, blogging, serving in ministry leadership, and believed my foundation was firm. It wasn't near as firm as I thought.

Grief ignited something in me that was not pretty and it definitely wasn't from God. 

I had trouble leaving the house. My mortality became terrifying as I watched more people I knew get sick or die. I've always known death was inevitable. And I had felt secure in my salvation, but for some reason, her death rocked my beliefs and the devil came striding into my life, spewing his hateful rhetoric and fueling my fear. Worse. I let him.

Instead of resisting his attacks, I rolled over and pulled the covers up over my head. Literally. As you probably are well aware, bed covers are no substitute for a godly set of armor. 

My church attendance dwindled then died. My devotional time and Bible study became a rarity rather than a regular part of my day as it had been for so many years. I started struggling with my own health challenges, some serious.

Thankfully, God doesn't give up when we do. I'd still manage a short prayer most days, and as hard as I tried to hide there were people, friends who were persistent, perhaps even pushy in their pursuit of me and my healing. 

Over the past year, I have slowly reclaimed my Princess Warrior identity. I've found a new church home that is perfect for me right now. I've started spending more time with other believers and am back in the Word on a regular basis. Do I still struggle with depression and anxiety? I am not going to lie. I do. But I continue to cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief." I've taken to saying the Lord's Prayer daily, savoring each portion of that prayer, trusting His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. The plan and purpose he had for me to help other women navigate life's numerous pitfalls has not changed.

I have always wanted my writing, my ministry, and my life to encourage others who struggle. Believers who desire more of Jesus. People who know they're not perfect but who are passionate about change and want to live victoriously in a fallen world. 

These past few months I've discovered some wonderful Bible study companion books that helped me on my quest to find new freedom. I'd like to share them with you.

1. Happiness, Randy Alcorn
2. Unshakable Trust, Joyce Meyer
3. The Fearless Life, Jentezen Franklin (I'd never heard of this author/pastor, found it four a couple of dollars on Christianbook.com 

All the books provided plenty of scripture references and the first two had study workbooks available, which I purchased. I continue to use the prayers found in book three as starters when praying is difficult. 

I was so ashamed of my depression and fears turned phobias that it was difficult to talk about. Of course, once I did, I learned like I always do, we're never alone in our feelings. We're here to love and lift each other up not to judge with ill intent and tear down. 

It is my hope that by revealing my fear fiascos it won't take you so long to reveal yours! 

This is one of the prayers found in Franklin's little, power-packed book:

"Dear Jesus, forgive me for allowing my mind to be filled with fear. Help me to become a warrior instead of a worrier. I choose to obey Your commands and to go forward in courage even when I feel afraid. I say with David, 'What time I am afraid, I will trust.' I believe that will begin to see miracles in my life as I take Your Word and believe Your promises, declaring in the face of the enemy, 'It is written.' Thank you, Lord. Amen."