Wearing Beauty and Modesty: No more masks!

I just love the above painting of Ruth.

Again, the following entry has been adapted from Real Women Don't Wear Masks, Carol Van Atta and Dr. Kathy Rodriguez (not yet published)

Precious Princess Warriors for Christ, we have finally arrived at our last entry about the Seductive Mask. Hopefully, the following entry will give you insight and encouragement for removing the seductive mask and the amazing benefits of instead putting on Beauty and Modesty. God bless you.

Wearing Beauty and Modesty

When you hear the word beauty, what comes to mind? Do you envision an airbrushed supermodel or an exotic woman from some faraway land? Maybe a famous movie star or teen pop queen? If you’re like most women, your immediate response likely had to do with outer beauty. Tan, toned, and sculpted — the All American dream girl.

We encourage you to take some time to research what is considered beautiful in different parts of the world, or in different eras of time. You will be pleasantly surprised by the diverse results of such a search. The idea of what is outwardly beautiful changes like the seasons. For some summer is best, while others choose winter as their favorite. And, of course, there are fans of fall and spring. So it is with the concept of beauty, especially if we are deriving our definition from the world around us.

In 2003, the winner of a beauty contest in Burkina Faso’s capital, Ouagadougou (Africa) weight 257 lbs. This contest was a stark contrast to the Miss World Competition which was held at the same time in China.

According to several sources, in the 1890’s a plump body and pale complexion was considered attractive as those features were supposed to represent wealth and a refined indoor lifestyle.

While at the letslookbeautiful.com website we discovered varying beauty ideals explored in detail. For example, in Asian cultures the focus in on a woman’s eyes. In the Middle East women who use more natural products for make up like henna and kohl are considered most attractive.

These are but a few ideals of what is considered beautiful. So, as you can see, we could spend countless hours, days, even weeks trying to figure out what type of “beauty” we want to be, and once again, these remedies are all outside solutions to an inside dilemma. After all, according to God’s ideal, and He is our King, beauty is more a matter of the heart. We should be more concerned about the motives of our hearts than the brand of make up we buy or jeans we try to squeeze into.

God’s Word clearly explains:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 NIV

Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. Rather let it be the hidden, person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the
sight of the Lord. 1 Peter 3:3-4 NKJV

Rather, clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. Romans 13:14 NIV

I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braded hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. I Timothy 2:9-10 NIV

I love the definitions of modesty and self control provided by an online article featured on Crosswalk.com appropriately titled: Fashion and Following the Savior. “Modesty: ‘Propriety: The avoidance of clothing and adornment that is extravagant, showy, and sexually enticing.’” Self Control: “’Restraint, moderation for the purpose of purity.’”

Now this doesn’t mean we can’t dress nice and fashionably. In fact, I think as daughters of the King of the Universe that representing Him well in appearance is very important. In fact, our dress can even reflect our inner qualities. For example, if I’m focused on purity, loyalty, serving God, helping others stay focused the Savior and God’s love, dressing like a wild woman is not an accurate representation of those beliefs.

However, modest dress doesn’t mean wearing a turtleneck during the summer months, or a giant gunny sack the rest of the year. With wisdom, we can easily figure out what is modest, attractive and appropriate attire as modern Christian women. It is probably best to avoid, belly baring hip-huggers, low cut blouses, see-through dresses, and the like. Ladies, we know, don’t we?

In one of our healing classes in Restoration Ministries entitled For Women Only: Accept No Substitutes, we often offer to help a woman in the class review her wardrobe as she exchanges the lies and false promises of seduction for the eternal truths of beauty and modesty.

Ultimately, if we clothe ourselves with the Fruit of God’s Spirit, we will discover that we are walking as beautiful and modest women of God, no longer vying for the sinful Seductive Mask.

The Story of a Friend

Ruth, the Moabite woman — a widow, sister, and beloved daughter-in-law — she was a woman who reflected beauty and modesty both inside out. Her noble character is fully demonstrated in her friendships and relationships. Therefore, an examination of her life will prove helpful in understanding the benefits of wearing a new God-ordained identity.

Imagine, if you will, that you married into a family that did not share your personal religious beliefs or your social customs. You have possibly risked judgment and ridicule from your family and friends by adopting the seemingly strange foreign practices of your new husband and his relatives. After all, observing specific religious ceremonies play a magnified role in your life.

Overtime, you become more and more fascinated with the spiritual beliefs of your husband and his parents. You find yourself drawn to the miraculous tales of a sea parting and a monstrous ark carrying Noah, his family, and all the earth’s animals to safety. The idea of a loving, consuming, and all-knowing God becomes more inviting as the years drift by.

Sadly, your father-in law and your husband perish, and Naomi, your faithful mother-in-law, a woman who is now closer to you than your own mother, gently encourages you to return to your family of origin as she plans to journey back to her homeland in Judah.

At this point in the story, Ruth’s situation has become more than a little disheartening, wouldn’t you agree?

We can’t forget she has been with her Hebrew family for over ten years. I’m certain the idea that she would be required to return to her old ways in the midst of such a tidal wave of grief sounded overwhelming.

Yet, amazingly, even after Ruth’s sister chooses to remain behind, Ruth completely separates herself from her home, her birth family, and any ties to her former pagan religion, and dutifully follows Naomi, discovering a whole new way of life.

Talk about a willingness to surrender to God’s will! In the comments Ruth makes to Naomi, her beauty and modesty shine brightly against the parched dessert landscape. Her servant’s heart is most pleasing to God and comforting to Naomi who has been left alone to fend for herself without a male relative.

Back in Bethlehem, where they finally settle, Ruth quickly follows Naomi’s direction and serves as a provider for both of them. The town folk can immediately see that Ruth is a godly woman of beauty, modesty, and integrity. She obeys the Jewish customs and gracefully fulfills her commitment to her aging mother-in-law.

We know what happens next, don’t’ we? Let’s fast forward, okay?

Ruth has begun to gather food behind the harvesters in a distant relative’s field. Upon meeting Ruth, Boaz the field’s owner, immediately senses her innocence and loyalty and provides a covering of safety.

Listen to Ruth’s unassuming response:

“At this, she bowed down with her face to the ground. She exclaimed, ‘Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me — a foreigner.’”

I love Boaz’s response.

“Boaz replied, ‘I’ve been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband — how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.’”

Dear friends, all these blessings from this kind, respected, God-fearing, and wealthy man were due to Ruth’s godliness not her seductiveness.

Modesty can be described as humble, unpretentious, reserved, meek, gentle, mild …
Ruth fit the description perfectly. She had no need to resort the kind of shenanigans that wearers of the Seductive Mask use. Remember our fist story about Mrs. PT, Potiphar’s over-pampered bride? She didn’t get “her man” nor did she keep her husband’s attention. Surely, Potiphar suspected what his wife had been up to. If not, he would have followed protocol and put Joseph to death. I’m quite sure that the disastrous results of Mrs. PT’s failed seduction only worsened after Joseph was imprisoned.

Ruth, however, obeyed God and lived as a beautiful and modest maiden who was ultimately rescued by Boaz, her Kinsman Redeemer. By refusing to be a scheming seductress, Ruth received all that most women yearn for: a handsome husband, a stable home, financial security, children, and the admiration of her peers and elders. Boaz’s words express this exact sentiment:

“And now, my daughter, don’t be afraid. I will do as you ask. All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character …"

Truly, ladies, when we live God’s Way things are much more likely to go the way we desire, and if they don’t, we can still trust that God knows best and rejoice over the fact that we didn’t compromise ourselves to get what we want. Amen!

You’re a beautiful princess, a daughter of the King, a woman of noble character, and a lady of modesty. No matter what you might have said or done in the past, God has chosen you to be His Bride. Don’t settle for less than the ultimate Bridegroom, Jesus Christ. Trade that old hollow mask for a life of worth and redemption.

To my precious Prince Charming,

Thank you for being my Kinsman Redeemer. Like Ruth, I can trust that you will care for me as I adhere to Your ways. I’m sorry for wearing the Seductive Mask. The truth is, it never even fit properly. Today, I understand that my survival does not depend on using my womanly whiles. I do not gain power or control by behaving in such an unbecoming manner. The acceptance and love that I so yearn for is found in You.

Right now, I choose to throw this filthy mask into the flames where it belongs. I refuse to reach for it again. I am trusting in You alone to meet my needs. You remind me to be anxious for nothing; after all you know my every desire and have numbered every hair on my head. Who could ever provide for me like that but you, my King?

Thank you for creating me as a woman of character. Please place other women of wisdom in my life to help love, guide, and support me as I learn to live a life free from masks.

I love you, Jesus. It is in your holy Name I pray. Amen.

Ladies, I welcome you comments. Feel free to share you thoughts and feelings about this mask, or any of the others we've explored. God bless you as you continue to "Reign Real."

No More Masks! Removing the Seductive Mask

The following excerpt was taken from Real Women Don't Wear Masks by Carol Van Atta & Dr. Kathy Rodriguez (not yet published) If you are a women's ministry leader/pastor and would like Carol and/or Kathy to share at your women's retreat about removing masks and embracing God's best, please email: carol_vanatta@yahoo.com or visit: http://www.carolvanatta.com/ for additional ministry details.

One dictionary describes the word seduce as follows:

1.: to persuade to disobedience on disloyalty 2: to lead astray usually by persuasion or false promises 3: to carry out the physical seduction of: entice to sexual intercourse 4: ATTRACT Synonym see LURE — se-duc-er noun

How true? Seduction involves being led astray. Both parties — the seducer and the “seducee” — are led away from what is good and what is right. Such enticement happens for an array of reasons.

Women have learned through the centuries that their so-called feminine wiles, beauty, and sexuality can be used to sway men to do their bidding in spite of great consequences. Some women pick up this mask so frequently that it seems natural. After all, a few bats of those eyelashes and certain men have been known to forfeit their God-given destinies for a moment of promised passion.

What about the movie Pretty Woman? Some called it a “Cinderella Story.” But let’s get real, shall we? Julia Roberts was trying to get by and resorted to prostitution in order to make ends meet. Her naivety and outward beauty caught the attention of one lonely millionaire. They slept together and then he hired her to be his escort while he was in town. After wining and dining her, this handsome man rescued her from her former way of life and, together, they headed into the sunset in a super-extravagant, stretch limousine.

Again, the Seductive Mask was worn as a means to survive and it appeared that by donning this facade that our seductress won the ultimate prize — a real life Prince Charming.

But, sadly, the Pretty Woman story has just one thing in common with Cinderella — it’s a fairy tale. This is a mask that ultimately won’t work and a mask that will take us far from our Lord and King, our ultimate Knight in Shining Armor, our one true Prince Charming.

Today’s media only helps perpetuate the myth of unsurpassed glamour and glorious gifts that wearing this mask will provide. The following lies are replayed across our TV screens, in romance novels, on the Internet, and at movie theatres daily. Every young girl, teenager, and woman must face and overcome the following common, yet unrelenting lies:

1. Only beautiful and sexy women are admired and get what they want.

2. If I’m not pretty enough, I can still be extremely sexual and get my way.

3. Powerful women are seductive women; they are not ashamed of their sexuality, nor should I be.

4. The best way to get a man to do what I want is to behave seductively.

5. As a Christian woman, I can still be flirtatious and get my needs met by men. After all, I’m not actually having sexual encounters.

6. All the famous and desirable women are clearly seductive; therefore, if I want attention I should behave that way, too.

7. Appearing seductive is the best way to stay in control and have power over men. It will allow me to feel in charge and I won’t get hurt. After all, I’m the one calling the shots.

The constant mantra of the above messages leaves us struggling to stay on the path of truth. Everyday we must make a choice to lay this mask down where it belongs … at the foot of the cross. A greater understanding of why we are so often tempted to turn to this false face will help.

More on the Seductive Mask

The book of Proverbs offers a number of dire warnings to men, yes, men, in regard to women who are hiding beneath the mask of seduction. These women are referred to by several seemingly harsh terms:

Prostitute.

Adulteress.

Seductress.

Yet, when we are wearing this infamous mask, are we not indeed acting as such?
Proverbs 7:21-23 (NIV) states:

With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing
it will cost him his life.

Consider Proverbs 6:25, 26 (NIV):

Do not let lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the Adulteress preys upon your very life.

Ladies, we don’t share these words of truth to shame you, but to challenge you with lessons we’ve learned in falling victim to this mask. We are aware that horrible things from childhood lead many of us to wear the ever-popular seductive façade. However, the truth remains that this mask is far from God’s best. It is not what He has planned for you. It will never give you the true acceptance, confidence, control, power, or admiration that you crave. Eventually, the effects of this mask lead to death — an emotional and spiritual death for certain — for some, physical death.

If we indeed follow through, and use the Seductive Mask in a way that leads to sexual sin, the results can be life altering … deadly.

HIV, unplanned pregnancies, ruined marriages, families destroyed, and ministries uprooted are just a few potential side effects. The devil would like nothing more than to have Christian women buy into the lie that this mask is effective.

Let’s instead rise up and remove this deadly face, replacing it with godly Beauty and Modesty.

Wearing Authenticity and Joy not the Happy all the Time Mask

Here is the final segment for Removing the Happy all the Time Mask

Adapted from Real Women Don't Wear Masks, Carol Van Atta and Dr. Kathy Rodriguez (yet to be published)

The Story of a Mother

Precious Mary, the mother of our Savior, so much has been written about this young Hebrew girl. She qualifies without doubt as a woman who exhibited authenticity and joy.
Upon receiving the angelic message — one that would forever change her life — she continued to live as a humble servant of the Most High, joyfully accepting her assignment with reverence and awe.

Remember for a moment, Mary was likely between thirteen and sixteen years of age. Her betrothed, Joseph, was probably much older. Virginity was treasured, and the loss of purity for a girl like Mary carried the penalty of death. Yet, in spite of the cultural laws and traditions, she agreed, without hesitation, to carry the Son of God in her womb.

Rather than plastering on a phony smile and acting as if everything was fine and dandy, apparently, she headed to her dear relative, Elizabeth’s home. It was there that she sang to the Lord, giving us a glimpse into her heart:

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me — holy is his name …

Luke 1:46-49 NIV

We can only imagine why God chose Mary, but I believe there are some very specific things that led the King of the Universe to select this poor, “average” Jewish girl to be His vessel.

Her responses to the angel’s message clearly demonstrate that although the message was troubling, she was more than willing to submit to God’s authority, trusting in His plan and design for her life. She was the “real” deal. Honest, hardworking, filled with the joy of the Lord, and sensible in her dealings. The simplicity of the Bible’s characterization of this young woman is enough to tell us what she was not — pretentious, selfish, phony, gossipy, impure, or dishonest.

No, our beloved Mary went about her business with a calm sense of faith and trust, leading to an abiding joy from her relationship with the Lord. If Mary had been wearing the Happy all the Time Mask, her response to the angel’s revelation might have looked, instead, something like this:

Walking to the well, Mary smiled at the passerby. Although exhausted, she knew how important it was to keep a shining smile plastered on her face. After all, she was going to be married soon. There was simply too much to do, though. As she passed near her favorite resting spot, she was surprised to see a stranger sitting beneath a tree. He smiled as she approached. There was something odd about this fellow. He seemed to be expecting her. No doubt he was from another land. Again she smiled warmly, although she was quite frightened by his unexpected presence.

As if reading her mind, he instructed her to not be afraid and then proceeded to explain that she had been chosen by God to give birth to the Messiah.

“Excuse me …” she continued smiling although she felt as if the air had been sucked from her, “How is this possible? I’m a virgin. What will everyone think?” Without waiting for an answer, she continued her tirade.

“What will my mom think? My dad will just kill me; really, do you know the laws around here? But, of course, it would be an honor to bear the Messiah. Once people get over the pregnant part, everyone will be jealous of me. Maybe this won’t be so bad. I’ll just have to pull myself together and stay positive if things get too tough. I’ll have to find a way to convince Joseph of my purity. I guess God chose me because of my always happy demeanor …”

Phew! Scary stuff, huh? But isn’t that how we sometimes act when God gives us an assignment. Instead of simply embracing God’s plan with a quiet confidence and joy, comfortable to openly voice our misgiving with God and trusted friends, we go off on a tangent of “what ifs” and “I can’t.” All while we smile and pretend everything is okay.

Friends, we need not fear God’s plan. His purpose is always for our best. Isn’t it time to trade our Happy all the Time Masks for authenticity and joy?

Dear Lord,
What a relief to know that your expectation of us is not for us to wear a phony smile as we serve You. You are much more interested in truth and genuine responses. After all, you can handle our deepest, darkest emotions without blinking an eye. Nothing we think or feel is shocking to You. Pretending to be happy all the time, when the world is crumbling beneath our feet, is dishonest and not helpful to us or to others. Anytime we pretend and attempt to hide from our fears, we end up missing Your best.

In You, we can experience a godly joy like Paul experienced while locked away in prison. Although his circumstances were difficult, he was able to sing praises to You, joyfully. Help us be more like young Mary, eager to serve You, joyful in spite of her fears, and honest with her concerns. With You, Lord, there are plenty of reasons to smile. Help us understand the truth and joy that is available in our relationship with You. Amen.

Happy All the Time: More on the Mask

More on the Happy all the Time Mask

(excerpt from Real Women Don't Wear Masks, Carol Van Atta and Dr. Kathy Rodriguez)

Remember the popular television sitcom The Brady Bunch? It’s hard to forget the always-smiling faces of this all-American, blended family from the 1970’s. I never once saw Mrs. Brady yell at the kids. She rarely showed any signs of frustration at her husband, Mike, and she smiled through one family “crisis” after another all while looking super spiffy in her polyester pantsuits and jazzy skirt ensembles. Alice, their live-in housekeeper, smiled even more (if that was possible) than Mrs. Brady. No matter what was going on in the house, her Happy all the Time Mask remained securely on, her smile shining brightly.

Fresh cookies, anyone?

In the Brady Family, a glass of milk, hot chocolate-chip cookies, and a cheery smile solved every problem.

In reality, no one is happy all the time, and unfortunately, cookies aren’t a surefire prescription for problem solving. Yes, I know, cookies seem to do the trick at times, but, seriously, life is full of trials, tribulations, and multiple temptations. We are assaulted daily with challenges that test our faith beyond what we believe we can possibly bear without an understanding of God’s plan for contentment and authenticity — for joy.

When we begin to accept our true identities as daughters of the King of Kings, we will realize that smiling all the time isn’t the real deal. It’s kind of like eating spam rather than ham, or tasting that rubbery fake-seafood-stuff instead of enjoying succulent fresh crab, or wearing pleather not leather … the substitutes are simply no match for the authentic. There’s just something uniquely refreshing about smelling real leather that you can’t experience by sticking your nose into the sleeve of your faux suede jacket.

When we pretend to be happy all the time, we miss out on the genuine joy and freedom that comes from just being who we are: happy, sad, angry, lonely, fulfilled, excited, nervous … but, oh so loved by Christ. Feelings aren’t good or bad. It’s what we do with them. Ultimately hiding them behind a phony face, will not only cause us pain and suffering, but also end up confusing and hurting others.

The truth is that people need more than a feel-good face spouting feel-good anecdotes — they need the truth. So, if you think you’re helping by keeping your ultra-positive façade intact, think again. You’ll make a positive impact like never before by learning to wear authenticity and joy rather than the old, worn-out Happy all the Time Mask.

Wearing Authenticity and Joy

Hopefully, you have discovered that pretending to be “happy all the time” is not healthy, nor is it godly.

There is a striking difference between a phony smile and a joy-filled heart.

We can be afraid, uncertain, and even in deep emotional pain, yet still have an undercurrent of godly joy that flows through us, as we grasp the incredible implications of Romans 8:28 NIV: We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

We can wear a godly joy that is accompanied by truth. Living as a genuine woman of God, a woman who is able to express her true feelings honestly and openly, yet who still can see God’s future promises, is our goal. This level of authenticity and spirit-filled joy will get us through our darkest hours without pretending to be someone we were never created to be. No one is happy all the time.

In fact, only recently, new, intimate information regarding Mother Teresa has come to light via private letters to her close ministry friends and advisors. Maybe some people will see her admissions of doubt and pain as unspiritual, causing them to discredit her ministry. What I see is a woman, like the rest of us, who faltered in her faith and was scared at times to share what was hidden beneath her exterior — her Happy all the Time Mask.

According to a Time article by David Van Biema, her internal struggles were great and extended through much of her ministry. “That absence (of God’s presence) seems to have started at almost precisely the time she began tending the poor and dying in Calcutta and — except for a five-week break in 1959 —never abated. Although perpetually cheery in public, the Teresa of the letters lived in a state of deep and abiding spiritual pain. In more than 40 communications, many of which had never before been published, she bemoans the ‘dryness,’ ‘darkness,’ ‘loneliness’, and ‘torture’ she is undergoing … She is acutely aware of the discrepancy between her inner state and her public demeanor. ‘The smile,’ she writes, is ‘a mask’ or ‘a cloak that covers everything.’”

Ladies, if one of the greatest Christian leaders of this century concealed her pain behind a mask, it is likely many of us have done, or do the same. I believe that God has now wiped every tear from this precious saint’s eyes, however, what a shame that she was unable to remove her mask and find true joy while living.

Let us not make the same mistake.

God’s Word has a great deal to say about joy and authenticity (truth, or being genuine). I challenge you to conduct your own topical search of these topics.

… the joy of the Lord is your strength. — Nehemiah 8:10 KJV —

So the ransomed of the Lord shall return, And come to Zion with singing, With everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness; Sorrow and sighing shall flee away. — Isaiah 51:11 NKJV —

Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous ones; and shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart. — Psalm 32:11 NASB —

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. — 1 Cor. 13:6 NIV —

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. — Philippians 4: 8 RSV —

To Be Continued ...

More on Masks ...

Removing the Happy all the Time Mask
Wearing Authenticity and Joy

(from Real Women Don't Wear Masks, Carol Van Atta and Dr. Kathy Rodriguiz)

We're still seeking a publisher for this project. I'll keep you posted when its available in its entirety. Until then, you can read tidbits right here.

The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.
~Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, 1954

The striking, multi-talented, pop star strutted across the expansive stage, stopping momentarily to shake her hips and flip her cascading, trademark curls from side to side. While belting out one of her top-ten hits, she pivoted gracefully, and began her dramatic descent from the stage via a light-studded staircase. Before reaching the bottom, the smiling diva tripped, stumbled, and plummeted to the lower stage — landing with her jewel-encased gown tangled in a sparkling heap around her.

Before the audience’s shock had time to register in a collective gasp, this dedicated performer leapt to her feet and finished her song as if nothing had happened. Her smile remained intact, proving that not even a traumatic fall would get this lady down.

Let me just say, if I fell in front of thousands of people, I’d stay down and wait for my band members (or a paramedic) to remove me, sobbing, from the stage.

Now granted, performers are just that — performers. They are trained and disciplined, prepared to handle surprising circumstances with ease, and apparently with a big, toothy grin.
But, what about a pastor’s wife who is suffering excruciating emotional pain, yet continues to smile at her women’s group as if her life is perfect? She, too, is performing, and has chosen to wear the Happy all the Time Mask.

This ever-popular mask has been worn proudly by thousands of women through the centuries. Its decidedly cheerful perma-grin has graced many a dinner table, PTA meeting, church service, and even a beloved family member’s funeral. After all, remaining cheerful and appearing happy are this woman’s top priority.

Embracing the Lie

Our all-American Pastor’s wife has been married for 22 years. She serves as the Women’s Director at a 500-plus member church, and at any given time, is helping on between one and five committees, and providing personal counseling appointments to the women in their congregation. Known for her spectacular smile (dimples and all) and positive outlook about, well, everything, she is sought out by men, women, and of course, children of all ages.
After all, she has a bright, cheery and hope-filled answer for everyone. At times, she appears a bit tired and rundown, but her smile quickly erases any concern directed her way. Not even her closest friends know the truth — her truth.

She is the envy of every woman who meets her. Like the elusive Proverbs 31 woman, she manages ministries, helps her husband with his career and pastoral duties, and even home-schools her children, all while looking gorgeous and fit.

I’ll let her tell the story of one not-so-perfect Sunday morning …

I let out an audible sigh of relief as the worship leader energetically shouted, “Let’s praise the Lord!” With zeal that I did not come close to feeling, I, too, bounce to my feet with the rest of the congregation. My cheeks ache from smiling so much. I nonchalantly wipe my hands down the sides of my skirt, hoping no one will notice what I’m doing, or, worse yet, guess why I’m doing it. After shaking so many hands, I feel germ-infested. I know; I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. I’m supposed to be happy that I’m in a position of leadership and have so many admirers, but I’m not. I try to be like Jesus, after all, he touched lepers, but I’m not sure I could do that; although, I’d certainly try if it made others feel better.

I can’t believe what happened on the way to church this morning. Bill and I were arguing about what limits we should set on our fifteen year old son, Timothy’s, television choices. Bill says absolutely no rated PG-13 movies. He even screamed at Tim, telling him that if he didn’t watch himself he just might end up you know where — hell. In a few minutes, Mr. High and Mighty will take the church podium and talk about the grace and love of God. How can he preach that message when he is so controlling and unforgiving at home?

I’m the wife, though. The woman who needs to submit with a smile, right? We argued until pulling into our regular parking spot. Then, of course, I put on my most gracious smile; after all, I’m supposed to be happy all the time.

Several years down the road, when this lovely woman was prepared to leave her husband, she finally sought help. It was then she remembered clearly, for the first time, about her childhood. She hadn’t always been a happy girl…

“Frances!” Her Father’s angry tone confirmed what Francis already feared — he was drunk — again. “Frances, get down here and clean up this kitchen. Your mom’s busy with the baby.”

Frances knew better than to argue with her father, especially, when he’d been drinking. Rushing down the stairs before he had time to holler again, she failed to see the baby rattle four steps from the bottom. With what felt like a slow-motion summersault, she twisted and thudded onto the freshly-polished, hardwood floor.

Her father’s heavy footsteps thundered across the floor, causing a knife of pain to slice through her temple.

He stopped, his hulking frame hovering over her. “You alright?” He asked with no obvious concern. Showing sympathy wasn’t something he did — ever.

Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she sat up shakily. “I’m okay, Daddy.”

“Well then, put a smile on that pretty face of yours, and get to the kitchen. Your mom isn’t feeling well, and her bunko group will be needing a happy hostess.”

Frances blinked back more tears and forced a smile onto her face. Ignoring the throbbing pain in her lower back, she resolved to make everyone’s night better.

If she didn’t, who would?

This future pastor’s wife had embraced several lies that so many women both in and out of the church have and continue to fall prey to:

1. It is my job to keep everyone happy and at peace.
2. My feelings aren’t important. I just grin and bear it.
3. I have to be happy all the time for people to like me.
4. If I just try harder and always act positive, everything will somehow work out.
5. As a Christian, I am to be of good cheer; there’s simply no place in the life of a Christian woman for anything but a smile.

With a belief system like this, it’s no wonder women find it difficult to take off the Happy all the Time Mask. Just keep on smiling, keep on smiling, keep on smiling, and you will keep on lying, to yourself, to God, and to others.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Removing the Tough Girl Mask

In today’s modern society, aggressive women who wear Tough Girl masks are frequently admired and promoted to positions of power and prestige. Their toughness is regularly mistaken for inner strength. Remember the movie Grease’s Pink Lady Rizzo — outwardly tough, but like a marshmallow inside. Like all tough girls, her mask was not a true reflection of what existed just beneath the surface.

Unfortunately, strong women are often compared to men, even adapting more masculine traits. This is not what godly strength is about. Not even close.

We were not created to be a Ms. or Mrs. Rambo in a skirt. Nor are we supposed to be timid little things daintily tiptoeing through life. Instead, we are to remove our Tough Girl masks and instead wear godly strength and gentleness.

Although these two qualities seem incompatible, in God’s scheme of things, they fit together like two missing puzzle pieces, making an ideal replacement for any façade of toughness.

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. — Matthew 10:16 NIV —

We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need.
— Colossians 1:11 NLT —

She is clothed with strength and dignity…
— Proverbs 31:25a TNIV —

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
— Isaiah 12:2 NIV —

…but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
— Isaiah 40:31 —

The Story of a Queen

Consider the lovely Queen Esther, a perfect example of these two desirable characteristics — gentleness and strength.

Raised by her cousin, Mordecai, to be a faithful Jewish maiden, Esther was likely terrified when the King of Persia’s messengers thundered into the Jewish quarter seeking young virgins to fill the King’s harem, and eventually, a queen to grace an empty throne.

The knowledge of former Queen Vashti’s abrupt banishment would have spread throughout the kingdom by this time, leaving the local maidens fearful, and possibly hopeful. There were, certainly, plenty of ambitious ladies donning their Tough Girl masks and eager to take charge of the situation at the castle. After all, this was a position of power and prestige for a woman like none other, and I suspect feelings ranged from outright horror to unspeakable glee at the possibility of becoming King Xerxes chosen bride.

Taken from her humble home into a lavish palace of immeasurable wealth, Esther was forced to rely solely upon her religious training and relationship with God to survive the culture shock her new surroundings were bound to bring, not to mention, the uncertain future she faced. If not selected as queen, Esther would spend the remainder of her days as a concubine in the King’s harem.

Amazingly, something more than Esther’s exquisite beauty caught the attention of her handler. Her quiet strength, gentleness, and wisdom, apparently outshone that of the other girls.

Remember, these exotic beauties came from every corner of Persia’s’ expansive empire. Lack of “good looks” was not an issue for the women selected. Esther, however, stood apart from the rest. Her demeanor eventually won her the crown and special place in her husband’s heart. Esther had found favor with God and the King of Persia — favor that would soon be tested. Thanks to one of Xerxes’ right hand men, the evil Haman, the day to exterminate the Jews of Persia had been set. The verdict was signed, sealed, and then delivered throughout the kingdom.

Esther’s gentle strength and faith would be put to the test like never before. Even today, Mordecai’s words to his beloved cousin turned regal queen, echo through the corridors of history:

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this? — Esther 4:14 NIV

Her response?

Fast.

Pray.

Prepare.

Plotting, manipulating, and acting tough were not part of Esther’s wise plan. Instead, Esther approached her earthly sovereign with strength and gentleness, until she reached his throne, where she bowed before him, awaiting the sting of metal against her neck, or the gentle touch of a scepter.

I picture Esther daring to glance up, meeting the eyes of the man who knows every curve of her body and the deepest thoughts of her soul. I imagine Persia’s powerful ruler, gazing at his bride, somewhat puzzled, yet intrigued by her boldness — boldness bathed in Esther’s gentleness. How could he not lower the scepter?

I can easily imagine the gasps of relief and a few muddled cries of disbelief as she reaches out to touch the tip of the jewel-encased staff. More importantly, I can hear deep in my spirit the thundering applause that shook the heavenlies on that fateful day so many centuries ago.

We can learn much from Esther. An orphan raised by a cousin. A teenager kidnapped by an at times ruthless political system. A woman forced to face death not only for her own survival, but also for the survival of her people. A woman that wore strength and gentleness rather than hiding behind a Tough Girl Mask.

In spite of Esther’s life circumstances, she was able to rely on God and the people He strategically placed around her. Although she alone had to face her king, she had thousands praying for her.

Removing false faces and mistaken masks isn’t a do-it-alone project. Rather, it’s a do- it-with-God journey — a journey that involves prayer, fasting, wise council, and loving support. God’s Word will become your guidebook to growth. Jesus will serve as your living example to follow. The Holy Spirit will empower you to let go of old masks and embrace new ways of living as a “real” woman of God.

Let’s pray.

Lord, You have created each and every one of us for such a time as this. I may not have a kingdom to save, but I do have a special purpose that is equally as important and uniquely suited to me.

Right now, I ask you to help me remove the Tough Girls mask. I’ve been trying to hide from the pain and heartache in my life. I’ve been pretending to be someone I was never created to be. I’ve acted in controlling, aggressive, and possibly even violent ways. I’ve been afraid to let others see my hurting heart.

Today, I choose to start a process of healing. I desire to put on the strength and gentleness that comes from You. Like Esther, I face many things. Like her, I desire to do so with integrity and without hiding any longer. I’m reaching out my hand to You, Lord. I trust You to help as I remove my mask. In Your Name I pray, Jesus. Amen.

Masquerade Ball vs Masquerade Life

Before I even start with today's entry, let me say I found the most amazing site: http://www.polyvore.com/. Here you can create design boards like the one above. I am looking forward to putting my creativity to use and seeing what I can come up with. Maybe some of you will find this intriguing as well. My applause to the person who designed the above "masquerade ball" ensemble. I'd love to post your name and give you credit. Great work!

Ladies, it's time to talk again about "mask wearing" click the following link to read the first enstallment on this tantalizing subject: http://princesswarriorsreignreal.blogspot.com/2008/08/warriors-remove-your-masks.html

Dressing up for a Masquerade Ball can be great fun and provide an evening of mystery for those invited. However, if we were to remain hidden beneath our elaborate get-ups, over time, we might be tempted to think we are who the costume portrays.

Last time, we took a peek behind the Poor Me Mask. Today, let's look at the Tough Girl Mask. The following snipet of a Tough Girl is from a project that I'm working on with co-author, Dr. Kathy Rodriguez -- Real Women Don't Wear Masks: Removing False Faces.

In 1978, Grease, starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton John hit the big screen with a flurry of media attention. This musical far exceeded the expectations of its producers and has gone on to become an all-time cult classic. Most of you know the story: sweet girl (Sandy) meets nice boy (Danny) on summer vacation; school starts and sweet Sandy is now attending Danny’s high school; she discovers nice boy is really a bad boy, black leather jacket and all; Sandy meets up with the female versions (Pink Ladies) of Danny’s greaser-gang, The T Birds, and romance, dancing, car racing, and a lot of “mask wearing” ensues.

Yes, mask wearing.

Let me explain. In fact, let’s start with Danny, obviously a nice, caring guy attracted to a very conservative young lady. Who is Danny, really? Is he a polite young man or a cocky gang leader? I believe the soft, gentle guy is the “real” Danny, but for whatever reason, Danny has chosen to wear the big bad, I’m cool and tough, mask. He is accepted by his peers when donning that particular mask. It’s become his identity.

Sandy, who meets up with the Pink Ladies, and is influenced by their charismatic leader, Rizzo, makes the decision that to be truly accepted by Danny, she has to become a tough girl. Her entire appearance changes as she costumes herself with a whole new identity. At one point, Rizzo sings a song, revealing her true feelings, “I don't steal and I don't lie / But I can feel and I can cry / A fact I bet you never knew / But to cry in front of you / That's the worst thing I could do.” After all, “big girls don’t cry,” right?

So it is with most of us gals that put on tough-girl identities. We’re hiding for fear of being hurt, again.

Ah, the ever-popular tough girl, yep, that was me ― hard as steel on the outside, wimpy and mushy inside. After the swim team debacle I (Carol) changed. My trust level was pretty much nonexistent, and I made it a top priority for people to take notice of my new persona by behaving in some fairly unbecoming ways.

In junior high I ran track. After a track meet, we were all still on the bus waiting to exit when an older boy noticed that I had a big ugly pimple on my nose. I think he referred to me as Rudolf the red nose you know what. Before the sure-to-follow laughter erupted, I socked Mr. Pimple Pointer right in his noggin. No one was laughing at me after that. Although I was suspended for a day, I felt proud of this display of my new tough façade.

Have you ever noticed? After one or two violent episodes, people just look at you differently. All I had to do now was give someone “the look” and they gave me a nice wide space.

Wearing the Tough Girl Mask allows you to build a moat, or well-fortified wall around your life. And although I thought my toughness was protecting my heart, I, like Rizzo, had a whole lot of tears and a ton of grief hiding just beneath my mask. However, I was too afraid to remove this false face for fear of being hurt ― again.

As I grew older, I was so afraid of being abandoned and hurt again, I’d vacillate between pushing people away and relentlessly attempting to control every aspect of their lives. This proved especially true in romantic relationships. I acted big and bad on the outside, yet at the threat of losing that special person, I’d take care of everything in my man’s life to make myself indispensable. I was also the one all my girlfriends came to for advice; after all, I was tough, wise, and together. Little did they know!

The truth remains; wearing a false face is a lie. God is the God of truth. His enemy, our enemy the ― devil ― is a liar. When we are dishonest in any way, we’re walking on the wrong side of the street, and headed for one big accident.

Now, I have to admit, honestly, there were some major benefits to pretending to be tough, but there were far more complications and headaches than I can begin to describe. When I accepted Christ, finally, I was still attempting to superglue this crumbling mask together. It didn’t take long for it to completely disintegrate under God’s loving touch.

To learn more about removing this mask, watch for the next entry!

Quick note: We often hide behind masks after making a vow, or in some cases vows. Here are some of the vows that I made before putting on this particular mask:

Considering my heart-wrenching circumstances, I made two decisions that would affect my life for years to come, decisions that would alter my destiny.

1. I believed the lies that were spoken to me and about me.
I’m worthless.
I’m a failure.
Nobody likes me.
I’m not worth fighting for.
Friends will betray me.

2. I made a vow. I would become popular, cool, and tough. That way I could remain in control of my heart. (So I thought).

The stage had been perfectly prepared for me to pick up and put on my Tough Girl Mask. For years, I wore this mask well, attempting to conceal my fear of not being loved and accepted. “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” became my motto. Eventually, though, I discovered what we all figure out at some point in life ― our masks don’t mask the pain forever.

Warriors remove your masks!

Ladies, please remove your masks. Yes, your masks. Some of you might be thinking, what in the world is Carol talking about? I haven't worn a mask since, well, since I don't remember when.

Are you sure?

Let me explain. Although masks are fun for costume parties and can make us feel like somebody different, wearing one for days, months, and years would get a little uncomfortable. In fact, if you were to leave a mask on for too long, you just might start to believe you were more like the mask than yourself. Kind of like an actor "becoming" his/her character and allowing that particular character's characteristics to influence his own persona.

As a young teen, I would pretend that I was an older, more mature girl. It wouldn't be uncommon for me at fourteen to tell others that I was sixteen or seventeen. I wore this older, more seductive mask so often that I started to believe that I was an older, more mature woman. Unfortunately, I made some pretty bad choices during my teen years wearing a mask we'll talk about in another post - the seductive mask. If only, I'd allowed myself to simply be me. I could have avoided a ton of tears and tribulation.

As Christian women, called to "reign real" for Christ, it does not behoove us to remain hidden behind phony faces and facades. Reigning real means being real ... the real deal --imperfect women of God, but so loved by Him.

For the next several entries we're going to explore some common masks women tend to hide behind. Let's start with the "poor me mask." Poor me, pour me another drink. This mask could also be referred to as the victim mask.

Ladies, no matter what trials you have endured in your life, you are victorious in Christ. Do not let the enemy of our souls tell you otherwise. You are an overcomer, plain and simple. When we start feeling sorry for ourselves, we end up with I like to call the Eeyore complex. You know, good ole' Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Poor donkey. His head hung low, his tail switching back and forth, he always shared his doom and gloom worries with his friends. Everything was pretty hopeless viewed through our purple friend's eyes.

Maybe you're so scared of being hurt or embracing success that you simply hide behind this dreary mask to avoid more pain and heartache. Unfortunately, when we wear the poor me mask we tend to weight not only ourselves down, but those around us. It's difficult to be around someone who is always expecting the worse.

I think sometimes women put on the poor me mask, initially, for attention, but also, protection. They feel bad and aren't sure how to express their feelings. Rightfully, they desire love and support, yet, for whatever reason they are afraid to ask for it. So, like Eeyore, they walk through life with their heads hung low, hoping, waiting, for someone to ask, "what's wrong?"

We can garner a great deal of attention this way. Unfortunately, over time, we will wear out our welcome with others. People will see us coming and run the other way. Believe me, I know. I've worn the mask and avoided other with this mask on.

Please know, I'm not talking about clinical depression, or grief, or feeling sad. I'm talking about adapting a persona of ongoing melancholy and sadness ... a mopping mask. It's uninviting, and if we keep it on for too long, we will likely become depressed.

As Princess Warriors for Christ, we have every reason to celebrate. Life is hard, but God is good. When we need love and support, we have to learn to ask for it. Mopping around is not the answer. Wearing what my grandmother used to call a "poor, pitiful, pearl" mask will only make things worse.

If this is you, go on, take off the mask. Ask God for help. Reach out to others. Find something fun to do. Help someone else. There is no better cure for the gloomies than helping another person. That's right. Help someone else. You'll be amazed by the results.

Ladies, we all wear a mask, or two, or three, at times. Our world demands that we pretend in order to be successful or well-liked. However, no mask is lasting. No mask can keep us hidden from our pain forever and the friends we "win" while hiding may not be the kind of true friends we hope to attract. We are created in our King's image. When we hide we are basically saying that we don't like God's handiwork.

Friend, you are precious in God's sight. Go on, get real, remove that false face and let God shine through you.

Please feel free to comment and share any mask that you might be wearing or have worn in the past. What are you hiding from? Let's share and pray for each other. Shall we?

God bless you, daughters of the King.