Stuck, Frozen, in Fear

Not the most appealing title for a blog post, I know. But I want to talk about an issue that has plagued me these past few years, more than I care to admit. 

Three years ago, in March, my mother left earth for a new heavenly home. A great reason for celebration. At least that's what my 'head' said. I mean it's true. When we belong to Christ we have an eternal destination that will surpass our greatest imaginings. The Bible tells us so. 

Unfortunately, my heart wasn't in agreement with my head. My mom was my best friend. The last ten years of her life, she lived with me. As a single mom, she played a huge role in helping raise my two children, who are now almost 20 and 26. She was an incredible woman who gave far more than she ever received and never complained. I'm sure she received all the rewards she could ever want in the presence of our Savior. 

Regardless of her heavenly happiness, I spiraled into a realm of depression, anxiety, and ultimately fear that froze me in place. I'd spent years speaking regularly at women's events and retreats, writing, blogging, serving in ministry leadership, and believed my foundation was firm. It wasn't near as firm as I thought.

Grief ignited something in me that was not pretty and it definitely wasn't from God. 

I had trouble leaving the house. My mortality became terrifying as I watched more people I knew get sick or die. I've always known death was inevitable. And I had felt secure in my salvation, but for some reason, her death rocked my beliefs and the devil came striding into my life, spewing his hateful rhetoric and fueling my fear. Worse. I let him.

Instead of resisting his attacks, I rolled over and pulled the covers up over my head. Literally. As you probably are well aware, bed covers are no substitute for a godly set of armor. 

My church attendance dwindled then died. My devotional time and Bible study became a rarity rather than a regular part of my day as it had been for so many years. I started struggling with my own health challenges, some serious.

Thankfully, God doesn't give up when we do. I'd still manage a short prayer most days, and as hard as I tried to hide there were people, friends who were persistent, perhaps even pushy in their pursuit of me and my healing. 

Over the past year, I have slowly reclaimed my Princess Warrior identity. I've found a new church home that is perfect for me right now. I've started spending more time with other believers and am back in the Word on a regular basis. Do I still struggle with depression and anxiety? I am not going to lie. I do. But I continue to cry out, "Lord, help my unbelief." I've taken to saying the Lord's Prayer daily, savoring each portion of that prayer, trusting His will will be done on earth as it is in heaven. The plan and purpose he had for me to help other women navigate life's numerous pitfalls has not changed.

I have always wanted my writing, my ministry, and my life to encourage others who struggle. Believers who desire more of Jesus. People who know they're not perfect but who are passionate about change and want to live victoriously in a fallen world. 

These past few months I've discovered some wonderful Bible study companion books that helped me on my quest to find new freedom. I'd like to share them with you.

1. Happiness, Randy Alcorn
2. Unshakable Trust, Joyce Meyer
3. The Fearless Life, Jentezen Franklin (I'd never heard of this author/pastor, found it four a couple of dollars on Christianbook.com 

All the books provided plenty of scripture references and the first two had study workbooks available, which I purchased. I continue to use the prayers found in book three as starters when praying is difficult. 

I was so ashamed of my depression and fears turned phobias that it was difficult to talk about. Of course, once I did, I learned like I always do, we're never alone in our feelings. We're here to love and lift each other up not to judge with ill intent and tear down. 

It is my hope that by revealing my fear fiascos it won't take you so long to reveal yours! 

This is one of the prayers found in Franklin's little, power-packed book:

"Dear Jesus, forgive me for allowing my mind to be filled with fear. Help me to become a warrior instead of a worrier. I choose to obey Your commands and to go forward in courage even when I feel afraid. I say with David, 'What time I am afraid, I will trust.' I believe that will begin to see miracles in my life as I take Your Word and believe Your promises, declaring in the face of the enemy, 'It is written.' Thank you, Lord. Amen."

When your world crumbles ... maybe?

Being a Princess Warrior for Christ is an amazing thing. Yet even royalty can experience trauma, trials, and tribulation. God's Word tell us we will indeed experience troubles in this fallen world. Life happens. Sometimes hard stuff comes from our enemy, other times, it's the consequences of our sin, and oftentimes it is simply life as life happens. Ultimately, the solution is the same: Cling to Christ.

Recently, I promised you another entry about the Alice in Wonderland movie, however, this was not what I'd planned to post, but I believe God knows what He is doing and exactly what I'm supposed to share. So ...

One thing that I am very clear about when speaking, counseling, and sharing with others is the importance of being honest and transparent. In other words, we need to "tell on ourselves" and allow what's real to be seen. Hiding never solves anything. Faith and friendship does.

I have been informed that there is a 50/50 chance that I will no longer have a job after June. My "day job" is funded by a grant, which means without the funding, I am off the payroll (to put it plainly). I love this job. I love helping others find success and hope. To top things off, this job has great insurance and benefits, something not easy to find anymore. Second issue -- my family is unable to afford our home and will likely be moving. Finally, my precious mother, who lives with us, has been experiencing health challenges. She is my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without her. I've been worried, depressed, and struggling this past month.

Do I think my problems are greater than anyone else's? Absolutely not. I share them with the hope you will pray for our King's favor and provision for my family. But, more importantly, so we can examine the importance of faith during trying times. Times when tears come easily and fears run rampant. Times when the future seems bleak and it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Times when God is moving on our behalf, in unexpected ways, behind the scenes, but when He seems so far away.

Alice, in Alice in Wonderland, experienced a major crisis of faith. She ended up in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar inhabitants, some that wanted to help her, others who wished to destroy her. The helpful ones were a bit odd, to say the least. Her greatest support came from a hatter gone mad. Through most of the story, our dear Alice was not only lacking faith in herself, but had little faith in those around her.

Through a series of insane events, Alice slowly learns to trust The Hatter and his unruly group of misfits. Even though the enemy seems much bigger and badder, Alice finally embraces her calling and has faith that she will prevail. Moving forward is no longer an option; it is her destiny.

We, too, can end up facing circumstances that are beyond our control. Bad things happen. Life happens. We can end up frightened, fumbling, and freaked out. Believe me. I know. I've been there a lot lately. Like Alice, we can choose to fight or we can run, hide, and hope it will all just "go away." I hate to admit that I've done some hiding and hoping I'll wake up and everything will be okay in the morning.

Unfortunately, life usually doesn't work like that. We have to act. We have to believe. We have to keep dreaming. And, most importantly, we have to trust and have faith in God. He promises to give us a hope and a future, and as Carrie Underwood's latest song so perfectly states: This is our TEMPORARY HOME. We can rest in the knowledge that there is a whole new world that awaits us. This is a temporary place, an eternal home with Christ is our ultimate destiny.

I've discovered several practical steps that are helping me walk through this process of change.

1. Speak God's truth. Speak Scripture aloud, proclaiming God's promises. This works great when the negative thinking and fearful thoughts become overwhelming.
2. Pray. Continue to talk to God about everything. He says we can approach Him with freedom and confidence. King David talked to God about everything, good and bad. We can too.
3. Worship. That's right. Keep praising Jesus. This is the hardest step for me. I feel phony singing praises when I'm quite frankly a little mad at God and my circumstances. But when I do it, well, it works. I am encouraged and find just enough faith to continue on.
4. Enlist others. Thankfully, I have people in my life that will listen to me vent and who understand my fears. Dealing with life alone isn't what God wants for us. Healthy relationships are crucial in a crisis. In fact, they're key to a successful life.
5. Take action. Do little things that help your situation. For example, talk to a financial counselor if you're struggling with making ends meet. Start looking for a new job before the current one is history. Continue to take care of the basics like good self-care. Get enough sleep, eat right, and exercise. (I haven't been as diligent with "the take care of self" part) But now that I've "told on myself," I better get busy!

Like Alice, in her Wonderland adventure, we must suit up and show up for our lives, even when our world is crumbling beneath our feet. Who knows? Maybe it's not really crumbling at all. Maybe God is going to take us to a whole new level of living. Maybe it will actually end up better.

No matter, as followers of Christ, and Princess Warriors, we can rest assured that in the end, it will be for our benefit. God knows what's best for His children. Let us continue to Cling to Christ, one step and a prayer at a time.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

Survivor Eva Hart remembers the night, April 15, 1912, on which the Titanic plunged 12,000 feet to the Atlantic floor, some two hours and forty minutes after an iceberg tore a 300-foot gash in the starboard side: "I saw all the horror of its sinking, and I heard, even more dreadful, the cries of drowning people."

Although twenty life-boats and rafts were launched-too few and only partly filled-most of the passengers ended up struggling in the icy seas while those in the boats waited a safe distance away. Lifeboat No. 14 did row back to the scene after the unsinkable ship slipped from sight at 2:20 A.m. Alone, it chased cries in the darkness, seeking and saving a precious few.

Incredibly, no other boat joined it. Some were already overloaded, but in virtually every other boat, those already saved rowed their half-filled boats aimlessly in the night, listening to the cries of the lost. Each feared a crush of unknown swimmers would cling to their craft, eventually swamping it.

"I came to seek and to save the lost," our Savior said. And he commissioned us to do the same. But we face a large obstacle: fear. While people drown in the treacherous waters around us, we are tempted to stay dry and make certain no one rocks the boat.

Any boat in your life that needs a good rocking?

Also, I was thinking about how God's Word states that He (God) will give His angels charge over us to help protect us. Sometimes, I forget that as a believer there is a heavenly army fighting on my behalf according to God's plan and purpose. The above painting so perfectly illustrates that truth. Consider the first words of the angelic encounters in the Bible: "Do not fear ... " Let us heed God's words. Fear need not paralyze us. We can step forward in faith, knowing that God is stepping with us.